My wife is a magician; yesterday she turned our car into a tree.

A big white horse walks into a pub. The barman says, "we have a drink named after you." The horse says, "What? Eric?"

I said, "Waiter, what's that in my soup?" he said, "I'd better call the boss, I can't tell one insect from another."

I'm reading a book called "Sex Before 20." Personally I don't like audiences.

I said, "It's serious, doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places." He said, "Well stop going to those places."

I call my car flattery. It gets me nowhere.

Put a smile on with this, the definitive Tommy Cooper Joke book. Included are the pick of Tommy's own extensive gag library, favorite stories, and photographs.